Men smuggled monkeys in pants

Back in 2002, Robert Cusack decided it was a good idea to try to smuggle Slow Loris Pygmy Monkeys in his underwear. All was going well for Robert, until the rare birds he had hidden in his luggage got out and flew around the Customs Agents at LAX. It was then that Mr Cusack decided he had to come clean stating, “I have monkeys in my pants.” Cusack ended up spending 5 1/2 months in prison and paid an $1,100 fine. His friend was a little bit more lucky, eluding the law for four years.

Chris Molloy was Cusack’s traveling companion on the same flight but managed to get through customs with two newborn Asian leopard cats in his carryon luggage. He promptly ran to a hotel and called his sister for help in getting rid of the cats. After four years of investigating, authorities arrested Molloy on Monday in Palm Springs.

Molloy is being charged with receiving, concealing and transporting wildlife, four counts of illegally importing wildlife, and making false statements to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service and will be arraigned sometime next week. If convicted, he faces up to twenty years in prison.

Molloy’s sister, Darlah, wasn’t arrested but was named in connection with the crime, including witness tampering, obstruction of justice and two counts of illegally receiving, concealing, and transporting wildlife.

As for the animals, all of the birds that Cusack smuggled died. The Lorises are in the Los Angeles County Zoo. One leopard cat is with the girlfriend of Darlah Molloy’s son, who reports that it is skittish and the authorities don’t want to bother it more than necessary until they can find a proper home for it. The other leopard cat ended up in Texas with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service where it is in a proper facility.

What I want to know is, why I can’t take a cup of coffee onto a plane but these men can put pygmy monkeys and leopard cats into their pants, with no one the wiser. If Cusack was a real man, he would have put normal size monkeys in his pants.

That’s right, a Serbian man, who was suffering from premature ejaculation listened to his local witch doctor’s advice that having sex with a porcupine would cure his ills. Unfortunately, he ended up in the emergency room when the porcupine wisely decided this was not a good idea.

Although the porcupine was unhurt in the incident, the man was not so lucky. Hospital personnel had to repair his penis after the porcupine extended its quills into the man.

The Daily Telegraph is reporting today that airline passengers’ conversations and movements could be monitored in an attempt to thwart terrorism.  Are you kidding me?

Researchers in Britain and Europe are looking at technology that would see a comprehensive network of microphones and cameras installed throughout the aircraft, including the lavatory, which would be linked to a computer.

Oh yeah, this is going to go over well.  First, it’s absolutely ridiculous because people are going to go nuts crying it violates their privacy rights.  They’re right, of course, but, you know, we have to think of the children and we can save you from terrorism by recording your grunts and groans while taking a crap.  It’s assinine.  No one wants a camera watching them take a dump, go pee, or do certain feminine hygiene type activities.  Some people wouldn’t mind you seeing them join the mile high club but, well, that’s a different story.

Second, what good is it to record a terrorist making a bomb in the toilet when no one is going to be watching it unless an “incident” occurs?  Did watching me take a shit pleasure you because it certainly isn’t going to stop a terrorist from assembling anything unless you have someone watching the toilet-cam the entire flight, which brings us back to point number one.

The article suggests that we should feel better because a machine will be monitoring all this activity instead of a human.  Well, anyone who has worked with computers knows that AI isn’t developed far enough to tell the difference between two kids fighting and someone getting stabbed.  It also is horrible at picking out suspicous behavior on a consistant basis.  I’m not even going to mention the pranksters, drunken idiots and stupid people who will find ways to mess with this system.  It’s simply not going to work.

”We are always looking at new initiatives that would enhance security,” a British Airways spokesman said. “BA already has CCTV which monitors activity outside the reinforced cockpit door. But we believe it is robust ground security which is the key to safety in the air.”

Well, there ya go.  BA already admits that ground security is far more important than this piece of crap.  Why don’t they listen to themselves and try tackling that issue (which they currently fail miserably at).

Even before the aircraft takes off, passengers could be swept with an “electric nose” a hand-held device which could tell if they had had any contact with explosives.

Good luck to all you farmers who work with chemicals as well as you government workers, university professors, and researchers working in labs.  We know that you don’t always get all traces off of you despite several showers.  You’re all now suspected terrorists.

Work is already in hand to examine putting electronic chips on luggage that would match ones embedded in the boarding pass. They would make it easier to link passengers to their bags or, more importantly, find them when they are separated.

Nice, five years later and you still don’t have this in place?  Who’s been sitting with their collective thumbs up their asses instead of ensuring this system is already in place?  As much as I hate RFID in my personal items, this type of system would make it far easier to track people’s luggage and decrease the risk of mysterious luggage being loaded.

Despite what the airlines say, there is no way to make flying 100% safe.  Every deterrent they think of, someone will find a way to break.  There are only two safe ways to fly:  Don’t fly at all or require people to stand and fly naked, with their luggage on a seperate plane.  Now THAT would be a flight worth taking!

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